The name of the folder on my hard drive is “old fART” It’s
an odd collection of fits and starts of sketches, essays, and random
observances (“art” if you will). Most of it dates from the ‘90s, when I was
busy running an improv troupe, and thinking very highly of myself. I never have
the heart to read or delete any of it, because I want to believe that the ideas
are strong, and that I really was a genius back then.
Like any old journal or record of the times, most of it is
cringe-worthy, while parts of it evoke a nostalgia for what caused me to start
writing about it in the first place. I once had an idea for an all lesbian
musical revue called Dykes on Mics. Each sketch was a different “ike” word,
including Dykes on Ikes, which was to look at lesbians in the 50s, there were
Dykes on Hikes, Strikes, Spikes, you get the idea. Nothing ever came of it, but
I still carry the image in my head that inspired it, an ensemble of butch
lesbians, dressed in blue jeans, leather jackets, and Doc Martens with lacy
ankle socks, doing a synchronized dance while riding tricycles and singing “we
are dykes on mics.” Yeah, maybe one day, or maybe that image is enough.
Certainly when I wrote those things, I imagined the next 15
years would play out a certain way. They most certainly didn’t. I certainly
never could have guessed the loops, swerves, loves, and losses that have made
my life what it is, and I guess that’s the nostalgia, for that of a 30ish
performer who had big dreams and the balls to pursue them. And while part of me
spends a little too much time in the bitterness of how those dreams eluded me,
the me who wrote that stuff on my monochrome Mac Classic (flying toasters!)
still resides in the optimism between the TV Producer, Playwright, and
Certified Barista.
I’ve always loved a good cup of coffee. My mother and I used
to sit in the morning after my brother and sister went off to school. She’d
pour a little percolated goodness in my milk, and we’d read the paper and
smoke. Well, she’d smoke. My smoking would come later. A habit I always “hid”
from her, because she intimidated the hell out of me. While in college, I
discovered The Coffee Connection. I loved that place. I drank Kenya AA every
day. No matter how broke I was I never skimped on coffee (or my dog’s food. Trust
me, cheap dogfood will make your dog fat and sick – spend the $$ for the good
stuff). When Starbucks bought the Connection and eventually obliterated them,
my heart broke. I was adrift in mediocre coffee when I discovered Peet’s while
living in LA. I was saved, and was thrilled to see they had expanded to Boston
when I returned in ’04.
When things were dim on the work front, I decided that it
might be fun to learn more about coffee, and took a job in their Lexington (MA)
store. I still work there part time, and am still a coffee snob, but have never
been a fan of the milk drinks, because let’s face it, they’re not coffee
drinks; they’re milk drinks. A medium latte is 2 oz of espresso and 14 oz of
milk (technically, some of that is foam, but it’s still a cup full of dairy).
With the exception of the temperature, that’s more or less what my mother was
serving me when I was 4.
What does all this have to do with art? 1998 was my first
visible disdain for the latte culture, and something inspired me to write a
spoof barista union newsletter. Rereading it now, 14 years later, I’m tempted
to clean it up and make it funnier. However, that doesn’t seem to fair to 30ish
me, who had a point to make, no matter how inarticulate. So, here it is, unadorned,
just a double shot – no foam, sugar or flavored syrup – drink it quickly, like
the Italians, or linger like the French. Or finish it and sit there all day,
like Lexingtonians.
written 19 October 1998
The Official Barista Union Page
Latest News &
Happenings
• Full length
aprons for fall now in three fashion colours: Loden, Pumpkin and Ochre
• Half and Half vs.
Cream. Join us for a lively debate
We are a union
divided--geographically so--on this hot button issue. “I think it really just comes down to texture,” says Norma
Bleen of Norman, OK. Norman being
in the midwest, is itself divided.
“Cream leaves your joe a caramel color,” betraying her preference, Norma
goes on to say, “that you can tell which part of town somebody’s from by how
they order their coffee. Since
we’re in downtown, we just ask, ‘smooth or chunky?’.”
Norma will be speaking at next
spring’s Seattle Symposium: Coffee
Domination: Ain’t nothing wrong
with that.
• Letter from the
president--2% taboo
Tips of the Trade
• Milk steaming
safety
The union no longer endorses the
“stick your finger in and see if it’s okay” practice to check on steamed
milk. Please use the
thermometers. New ones should be
arriving shortly. The Union thanks
and acknowledges Rusty “Thumbs” Riley for his leadership in this area.
• Gloves a fit for
all hands
Taking a page from the exciting
world of Golf, the midwest union members can now get tight fitting gloves made
from an exciting new polymer developed by Maxwell House. For years now our upper Great Lakes
have been complaining of chapping in winter due to the deadly combination of
tumultuous door swinging, steaming milk and cold coins.
• Multitasking, how
to be charming without late lattes
Charm. Not a quality we’re known for. It’s sort of part of our charm. Why pay $2 for a steaming cuppa joe if you can’t have hardy
handful of attitude served up with it?
When that morning rush comes and the lowfat halfcaf lattes are piling
up, what do you do? In order to
fully address the question, we spoke to two of our liaisons.
First Dennis Dupree who works for
a major chain.
We’re not supposed to have ‘tude. If people want tude chances are they’ll
patronize a real coffee hut. So we need to be chipper or no tips. My trick for joy in the face of YUPPIES
who are making more money than I’ll ever see is to swallow my anger and
resentment. I try to get there
first thing in the morning, and make my self the most expensive roast in the house and smile involuntarily
from the high grade caffeine coursing through me. It helps me feel superior without being patronizing. I say helpful things like, “Enjoy the
commute”, “Nice tie” these things remind me that I can be happy at a minimum
wage (minus dues) since none of my clothes need to be dry cleaned. I try to think about my guitar.
Crystal Brandiron who works at the
Dire Cafe in Cambridge, MA, has this to say:
I have in intimidating tattoo on
my right forearm. I just roll my
eyes at the customers and tell them to try and have a great day despite
themselves. And, I’m convinced
it’s what keeps them coming back.
When we’re really busy, I always try and say something politically
incorrect about their appearance.
Since we’re in Cambridge, I can count on their being so shocked, they
can’t cope with their change and just drop it in the jar.
• Strike
Information
Happily, there are no strikes to
report. However, unrest is brewing
in several geographical areas. The
fall cider season has made its usual dent in coffee sales. In Appleton, WI
(coincidence?) Plotsky’s Lube and Joe
reported double cupping on cider.
“Cider just doesn’t get that hot,” said Frank von Bruegger, aka Midwest Watchdog. We’ll keep you up on developments.
Benefits Update
• 3rd Degree burns
are now 100% covered
Thanks to a valiant effort leads
by Rusty “Thumbs” Riley, a barista in Reno, NV. Our health plan now recognizes both the common occurrence
and the severity of such burns.
Health plan representative Dr. Arnold Profit calmly stated that he was
confused and thought “1st degree were the bad ones,” and has thus flipped his
policy. So, stay out of the sun
(as if) cause 1st degree burns can only now be treated with Solarcane, Noxema
and Sour Cream.
• Chamomile is a
now available without a prescription
In a related note--to keep our
overwrought caffeinated coffee constructors calm, dosages of Chamomile can now
be found in every Zee First Aid Kit next to the Pain Aid. Please do not touch the tea in the
store, it is for the customers, and reportedly, a placebo.
• Fee free coin
wrappers available at the Credit Union
Roll those tips in style! Free wrappers in fashion colors at the
Barista Credit Union. Also low low
interest rates (15%-18%) for members needing a auto loans.
